If you follow the Internet at large, you've probably seen plenty of posts with the hashtag #ThingsJesusNeverSaid. I decided to make a few of my own. I've even included references to actual Bible verses that say something quite different, just in case you thought I snuck in some real Bible. Tune in next week for some more things the Bible doesn't say!
Without further ado...

"God helps those who help themselves." (Deuteronomy 10:18)

"For in this world, people who do not donate enough money to preachers will have trouble; but take heart, preachers take payments as low as $9.95." (John 16:33)

"But Jesus, who knew the hearts of men, avoided spending time with people who would taint his reputation." (John 2:24)

"When you hear of wars and rumors of wars, panic." (Mark 13:7)

"For though your sins are as scarlet, I shall make them like the sins of white people, which don't exactly count." (Isaiah 1:18)

"If your right hand causes you to sin, get an accountability partner." (Matthew 5:30)

"Make sure to argue every tiny theological point, especially the ones that don't affect daily life. " (Titus 3:9)

"Who is a God like our God,
who explains everything He does
and consistently does what I expect?" (Psalms - pick one)

"By this, they shall know you are my disciples: if you love to be more righteous than one another." (John 13:35)

"And on the seventh day, after he had finished his work, God served in his local church for eight hours." (Genesis 2:2-3)

Concerns? Prayers for my salvation? Comment below!

This post is intended for humor and conviction, and not for judgement. We could all laugh at ourselves a little more often.